As plain as the nose on my face

The first thing I noticed was the giant schnozzola in the upper right quadrant of the screen.
That’s the worst part of having a picture of yourself slipped into an e-mail and sent via the World Wide Web right to your home PC.
To retain quality, the picture must be colossal, and this one certainly fit the bill.
It was me, in full color, with Jillian at a holiday event in Callicoon.
According to my mother, I was supposed to notice the way I was watching Jillian as she smeared glue across a foam Santa hat.
She’d been struck by the purity in the glance, pride oozing from beneath my lashes the way the mountain of Elmer’s was dripping across Jillian’s masterpiece.
The goo has long since dried, and the hat had pride of place on our tree this year.
So I confess I took little notice of my munchkin trying her hand at Christmas crafts at the Delaware Youth Center.
Instead I’d zoned in on the honker in the behemoth picture across my computer screen.
I suppose there are benefits to prodigious proboscis.
Air, for one, is free.
And to have a nose for news is – putting it mildly – good for business.
But staring at one’s self on a computer screen?
People are going to start thinking Carly Simon was singing about me.
So my New Year’s resolutions are easy this year.
Forget about the small . . . and not-so-small . . . stuff.
Remember, even the Titanic sunk.
People have conquered Everest.
And lest we forget, Britney Spears was once America’s sweetheart.
Mountains can become molehills just as quickly.
Bathroom scales – like pots – prefer to remain unnoticed.
Treat them right, and they’ll respond in kind.
As for debts, they have a full year to dwindle before the spirit runs away with you again.
And, by the way, Photoshop works with wonders with the shadows that enhance the bulbous qualities of a sizable snoot.

Speak Your Mind

*