My biggest fear used to be something so tame it was inane – the standard skirt stuck in the underwear (and you wonder why I don’t wear skirts?) or the tripping on the way up the stairs (been there so many times they know it’s me by the tap, tap, tap, frick, thwack, owwwwww).

But ladies (and men I’ve conned into subscribing), that’s all a thing of the past. Because now that I have a walking, talking – make that backtalking, nursery school diva, I have seen my future fear. It’s on the Fine Living Network, and it’s called “Whatever Martha.” Yes, that Martha. Alexis Stewart and her BFF, Jennifer Koppelman Hutt are making money while making fun of mom.

It’s Mommy Dearest for the craft set, complete with cranky cupcake decorating and the knit and bitch (or is it crochet and bitch?) sessions on blah beige and cream furniture my daughter could spice up with one Play-Doh smeared hand. A budding Martha in our midst?

I’m not the usual Fine Living target audience – no, I didn’t make my own baby food; no, I don’t know my azure from my cornflower blue and no, I don’t own a single sweatshirt with a reindeer or giant pumpkin embroidered on the front – but I am tuning in. If winning a cell block decorating contest and starting a prison poncho trend didn’t give Martha the street cred to avoid her daughter signing a TV contract to chuck barbs her way, I’ve got to do her one better.

Because what kind of mother would I be if my daughter went on live TV to tell the world “who needs family and friends when you have twine?”

Twine, no. Wine . . . fill her up. We’ve got a decade until the teen years.
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