6 Coloring Books That Are REALLY NOT For Our Kids

For quite some time now, I’ve had an axe to grind with the kiddie product companies. Coloring books. They’re all for kids. WTF? I love me the Crayola box of 64 as much as the next kindergartner. It’s all about relaxation. Just me, a crayon and a piece of paper, adrift on a sea of tranquility . . . where the most difficult question I have to answer is “should I use forest green or should that tree be more of Mountain Meadow?”

But like the creators of Go the F–k to Sleep came to the rescue of children’s book-crazed adults everywhere, finally the coloring book industry has stepped up. Allow me to present to you 6 coloring books that are REALLY NOT FOR KIDS:

The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas: After the disaster that was the Summer’s Eve Talking Vaginas commercial, the thought of looking at your lady parts may leave you limp. But who can resist 30 pages of vaginas and fun activities? Especially when you don’t have to actually, um, touch the real thing? Perfect for the easily squicked!

Suggested colors: Blush and Pink Flamingo

The Gangsta Rap Coloring Book: Got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one? Let them melt away as you lovingly shade in a Glock.

Suggested Colors: Shadow and Denim

Cannabis Fantasy Cool Coloring Book: “Mommy drinks too much” is starting to lose its edge, but cannabis never loses its cool.

Suggested Colors: Jungle Green and Outer Space

The Tea Party Coloring Book For Kids: Oh, I read the name alright. But I don’t need the kid losing sleep over subsidies for corn-based ethanol. Seriously y’all?

Suggested Colors: Black. For Big X’s.

Vampire Lust Stained Glass Coloring Book: Allow me to sample from the advertising copy “Vampires of today don’t just want blood — they crave friendship and romance, too! These 16 stained glass images portray hip, young party animals of the night in dramatic, contemporary situations: dancing at raves, rocking with guitars, driving sleek sports cars, and more.”

Repeat after me . . . Eric is reserved for Mommy!

Suggested Colors: Scarlet and Midnight Blue

Japanese Geishas Coloring Book: Look, Mommy! I colored a picture of a lady who spends every waking moment thinking about how she can entertain a man!

Suggested Colors: Bittersweet and Antique Brass

Come on, what’s YOUR favorite?

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Top image via laffy4k/Flickr

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