The Internet Will Kill Your Kid (Or At Least Maim Her)

kid feetWarning! Whatever you do! Do not look up your kid’s sickness on the Internet … or yours for that matter.

This is what I’ve learned.

Your child will wake up with the kind of upset stomach that makes sleep impossible and fills garbage cans. Do I really need to spell it out for you? I think not.

And so you hit the Internet.

And you go from rumbly in the tumbly to prostate cancer. What do you mean she’s a she and cannot possibly have a prostate? All the symptoms match up … perhaps scientists missed something?

And so you step away from the computer, perplexed and trying to remind yourself that the anatomy you learned in high school could not possibly have changed.

Then you remember the tick.

Yes, the tick. That was stuck in her back. It was less than 24 hours, you know it was. And you grabbed that sucker with a tweezer and sent him swirling down the toilet immediately. But come to think of it, with all those symptoms you plugged into the formula, you never accounted for the tick.

Now you need to know: was it a dog tick or a deer tick? To Google Images you go.

And you find out it was indeed a dog tick. Fabulous. No Lyme.

But wait. NO! It can’t be.

Rocky mountain fever?

She does have the vomiting. And the you-know-whats. And oh. my. Could it be? Noooo.

And you walk away fretting.

Until she sits up from the couch, right as rain, over her 24-hour bug and ready to go to that birthday party.

She’s fine.

Turns out the whole thing was just a splinter the whole time.

Or was it?

What’s the scariest disease the Internet has spit back at you?

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