10 Facts Kids Will NEVER Believe

There are days when I wonder if there’s a giant sign on my back that says “liar.” It must be bright, neon maybe, with flashing lights to really draw attention toward my flaming pants.

It’s not that I mean to mislead. I try to keep things on the up and up about just about everything. OK, maybe I fudge a little on that line for “weight,” but if the doctor is going to make me step on the scale, why do they bother asking?

Anyway. I try to be as honest as ol’ Abe.

The problem is convincing my 8-year-old of the most simple truths. Such as:

1. If you put your toys away directly after playing with them, you will not have to whine about having to clean up a giant mess of toys on Saturday morning when you could be watching cartoons.

2. The outfit you wear to the farmers’ market matters. The outfit your American Girl doll wears does not.

3. I’m your mother, not your sherpa.

4. If the bus is expected in 5 minutes, time will not stand still so you can run upstairs and find the “perfect” toy for recess.

5. Being expected to put your dish in the sink after dinner is not slavery.

6. Shrieking at the top of your lungs won’t scare the snake away from your swingset. It will scare the entire neighborhood.

7. Getting your toothbrush wet is not the same as brushing your teeth.

8. The tomato sauce we put on lasagna is the same stuff we put on pizza — you CAN eat both.

9. You can eat AROUND the carrots.

10. The more you talk to me while I’m trying to write my column, the longer it will take for me to write my column.

What are the truths of life your kids refuse to believe?

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  1. Haha I love number 5, that was totally me as a child.

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