An Open Letter to Starburst About Those New Jellybeans

Starburst FaveReds JellybeansOh Starburst, why would you do this to me? Was I the @sshole on the playground pulling your pigtails in a past life? The waiter spitting in your food in another realm?

There has to be some reason you decided to release the FaveReds version of jellybeans just as Easter and spring and shorts season are coming ’round the corner.

It isn’t that I don’t like them. In fact, I love every last maroon and vermillion colored bean. I love them so much that I could sit down and eat the whole blessed bag in one sitting.

I’ve never had that problem before. See, I used to buy a bag of Starburst jellybeans and eat everything except the green ones. It’s not that the green are bad, per se, but if you don’t eat the green ones, you never have to actually admit that you’ve just eaten an entire bag of jellybeans. You are NOT a glutton! You have self-control! And one day you may actually fit into your bathing suit (Lord willing and the creek don’t rise).

For years, this was my MO come Easter time. Buy a bag of beans, devour the red ones, but leave all those green beans behind for the rest of the family. I was generous and thoughtful, and I did NOT have a problem.

And then came the Starburst FaveReds bags. Every single bean in there is red. Every single bean in there is delicious. And I have sat down and eaten every single one.

I am not generous. I AM a glutton. And I do have a problem.

And Starburst? You SUCK!

 

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