10 Things No Kid Will Ever Believe Are True

LookingIt’s every mother’s hope that the child she brings into this world will be a genius. Our dreams for them are typically of such grandiosity that the presidency of the United States is a mere stepping stone on the path to greatness.

Then one day it happens. Our kids become the smartest beings on the planet, far smarter than their parents. They know all there is to know about, well, everything. Even better, they take the lessons learned in kindergarten and put them to good use, sharing their knowledge with all the world.

This moment, of course, coincides with the exact second when a parent realizes that having the smartest kid on the planet is not exactly all its cracked up to be. Because the smartest kid in the world is one who cannot be convinced of anything, but especially not any of the following:

1. It’s far likelier that there would be clean pairs of jeans in the folded laundry basket if the dirty pairs ever made it to the dirty laundry basket.

2. No one, not nobody, not know how likes to discuss animal vomit during breakfast.

3. You wouldn’t be cold if you hadn’t left your gloves in the car on a day when the weatherman is forecasting a -25 windchill.

4. If your mother hangs your homework up to dry after the dog knocks your glass of milk onto it, you should thank her instead of blaming her for making you forget to put said homework in your backpack.

5. If you put your glass of milk back in the fridge the dog won’t be able to knock if over.

6. If you put your homework in your backpack after it’s completed you don’t risk the dog knocking a glass of milk all over it.

7. Winter boots are dorky, but that’s OK because everyone is wearing them.

8. The longer you stay out of giant piles of slush, the longer white sneakers will be white.

9. You have no problem eating onions when you can’t see them … you just don’t realize it because you can’t see them.

10. It’s 100 percent possible not to say a single word to the person in your house who is currently using the telephone.

What would you add?


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